"Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." ~John Barth
"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting." ~William Shakespeare
“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” ~Tao Tzu
It's been quite some time since I last wrote in this blog. Life has been hectic but good in many ways.
3 teenage girls in the house, a big move, 3 jobs at the moment, and yes having a bit of fun, have all been distractions from writing. I have been doing a lot of deep introspection lately though, and now is the time to write all of this down and get it out of my system.
So I've been thinking about how we create who we are. How we have choices in our attitudes and in most things in our lives. Self creation can be defined in many ways and not all are new agey, feel goodie either. Webster's defines as "Created by one's self; not formed or constituted by another." That is the definition in simplest terms, however, in reality we are not formed or created without others. Others help shape and define who we are, but we have the ability to make the choices necessary to allow ourselves to be or not to be defined as such. As I tell my girls over and over, we have control over our thoughts, our actions and our attitudes. Some days I am better at leading by example than others, but what always pulls me out of a funk is that ultimate realization.
Lately I have been faced with again creating who I want to be. I have a fresh start here in a new home, in a relatively new to me city, new work and I am making new friends as a result. Who do I want to be in this chapter going forward? The answer is constantly in flux. Right now I wear several hats in my many roles both as a mother and in my various jobs as well as to my friends. I am different things to different people and I create the person I am out of a mixture of it all. Some times it can be quite freeing to play these different roles.
Other areas of my life where I technically should be able to create some times feels out of control. For instance, my relationship status as single or the amount of money I am currently making. Both are areas of my life that I would like to change & can change, but they feel as if they are at a standstill right now & I do feel as if both are out of my control for the time being. I am working on it, but I kind of feel like I am running in circles with it. The income issue is pressing as I am not making enough to make ends meet as it is, with what I have. The fact that my largest source of income is about to go away just adds to the stress. On the relationship side, I am trying to let go of some of that need and just see what happens and letting things happen as they need to. Not always easy considering I have a need for companionship and all that goes with it. What helps is to try to maintain a sense of gratitude for what I do have, and I have a lot. Cultivating the friendships and relationships that I have and come my way in the day to day. Like anyone else there are areas of my life that I would like to fill or improve upon.
I think most of us are in a quest to better ourselves and improve our lives. Growth is a natural process. Being open to growth and consciously seeking self growth may be a little less common though. Growth can be both painful and exhilarating. I've experienced it both ways and it seems to me in my experience when we aren't expecting growth is when it is can some times be the most painful.
Right now as my girls become young women, I am watching them both create themselves & I can see, on a daily basis, the creation that I (and their father both in his presence and his absence) helped inspire within them. It is so exciting to watch them unfold as blossoming adults.I am deeply amazed at myself and their father for what we have instilled, but I am doubly amazed their spirits and what they carry within them as humans. We created these people together, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally & emotionally. To think that when my oldest daughter was born, I didn't think I knew what to do, yet I am now watching the results of our efforts and am speechless.
