Self Creation: Cultivating the Best in Who We Are

 "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." ~John Barth

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting." ~William Shakespeare

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw


“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.” ~Tao Tzu


It's been quite some time since I last wrote in this blog. Life has been hectic but good in many ways.
3 teenage girls in the house, a big move, 3 jobs at the moment, and yes having a bit of fun, have all been distractions from writing. I have been doing a lot of deep introspection lately though, and now is the time to write all of this down and get it out of my system.

So I've been thinking about how we create who we are.  How we have choices in our attitudes and in most things in our lives. Self creation can be defined in many ways and not all are new agey, feel goodie either. Webster's defines as "Created by one's self; not formed or constituted by another." That is the definition in simplest terms, however, in reality we are not formed or created without others. Others help shape and define who we are, but we have the ability to make the choices necessary to allow ourselves to be or not to be defined as such. As I tell my girls over and over, we have control over our thoughts, our actions and our attitudes. Some days I am better at leading by example than others, but what always pulls me out of a funk is that ultimate realization. 

Lately I have been faced with again creating who I want to be. I have a fresh start here in a new home, in a relatively new to me city, new work and I am making new friends as a result. Who do I want to be in this chapter going forward? The answer is constantly in flux. Right now I wear several hats in my many roles both as a mother and in my various jobs as well as to my friends. I am different things to different people and I create the person I am out of a mixture of it all. Some times it can be quite freeing to play these different roles.

Other areas of my life where I technically should be able to create some times feels out of control. For instance, my relationship status as single or the amount of money I am currently making. Both are areas of my life that I would like to change & can change, but they feel as if they are at a standstill right now & I do feel as if both are out of my control for the time being. I am working on it, but I kind of feel like I am running in circles with it. The income issue is pressing as I am not making enough to make ends meet as it is, with what I have. The fact that my largest source of income is about to go away just adds to the stress. On the relationship side, I am trying to let go of some of that need and just see what happens and letting things happen as they need to. Not always easy considering I have a need for companionship and all that goes with it. What  helps is to try to maintain a sense of gratitude for what I do have, and I have a lot. Cultivating the friendships and relationships that I have and come my way in the day to day. Like anyone else there are areas of my life that I would like to fill or improve upon.

I think most of us are in a quest to better ourselves and improve our lives. Growth is a natural  process. Being open to growth and consciously seeking self growth may be a little less common though. Growth can be both painful and exhilarating. I've experienced it both ways and it seems to me in my experience when we aren't expecting growth is when it is can some times be the most painful.

Right now as my girls become young women, I am watching them both create themselves & I can see, on a daily basis, the creation that I (and their father both in his presence and his absence) helped inspire within them. It is so exciting to watch them unfold as blossoming adults.I am deeply amazed at myself and their father for what we have instilled, but I am doubly amazed their spirits and what they carry within them as humans. We created these people together, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally & emotionally. To think that when my oldest daughter was born, I didn't think I knew what to do, yet I am now watching the results of our efforts and am speechless.  

Risk

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair, We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical...You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." ~Ray Bradbury

 “The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”  ~Leo F. Buscaglia

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”  ~Andre Gide

“It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult.”  ~Seneca

“He who risks and fails can be forgiven. He who never risks and never fails is a failure in his whole being.”  ~Paul Tillich

"As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery.
We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace.
The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as
anger and attachment, fear and suspicion,
while love and compassion, a sense of universal responsibility
are the sources of peace and happiness." ~Dalai Lama 

What is it about living that brings so much fear? 


What is it about love that brings so much fear?

Buddhism teaches that it is our attachments that bring us suffering. Our attachments are fear based.

In her article Between Fear and Love is the Living Sonya Green writes, "Fear is imagination predicting the worst possible outcome. When the imagination is engaged in repetition and emotion, it becomes a belief. Our beliefs determine our actions and as the old saying goes, what you conceive and believe, you will achieve. For right or wrong, good or bad, this is the creative force within us all." She goes on to say, "Fear has many faces and most of those faces are in disguise. Fear can be so deceptive that we rarely recognize or define it, and therefore fail to challenge it when it sneaks up upon us in such an insidious way that it can paralyse, erode, control and ultimately destroy us. Fear is the most lethal weapon and the most toxic poison known to man. Fear is highly contagious and self destructive. Fear can be spread by word, suggestion, imagery, innuendo or intimidation."  How true right?

Fear is what keeps us in dead end situations such as a job, a relationship, a hometown. Fear prevents us from pursuing our dreams or trying new things and it encourages us to blend in with the crowd rather than striking out on our own. How often have we heard someone on deaths door remark that they regretted not following their dreams?

I am thinking of examples from my own life. Lately what has been working for me is abandoning my fear...jumping in and swimming in life as it comes...there was a time that I remember in my life when I lived this way and it was not only productive, it was natural...I lost sight of that at some point and I think it was at about the same point that I became a mother...I began to over think life, I over thought pleasure, and to my dismay and frustration at the time, I was still the outcast in terms of the typical  "stay at home mom", I nevertheless tried so hard to be my version of the "good wife & mom" and thought I'd some how blend in (I never did).  Although I  am still a mother to the fullest extent, I think perhaps I have re-discovered what it means to be ME too...me in the sense that I have always been me, and mom in the sense that I have always been mom....the me that runs with her gut and her creativity and everything that makes me who I am....

For so long I was living someone else's dream, I was supporting someone else's dream and goals, not mine. I was living the dream that I thought was maybe appropriate or respectable or "something"....but I see that I am respectable, and appropriate and intelligent and creative and all of that on my own...and yes I am also unconventional and yes I have my own version of the life that I want....and while it blurs the lines of the "normal", who cares...I am increasingly meeting people who share this perspective or at least close to that perspective and that's really all I'm looking for...I am done with over thinking life...we squeeze the joy out of our existence when we over think...I am now taking to heart all that I've been told over the years...I am running head long into the sun, and I am going to find all the joy there is around every corner...I think I have my power back...


I just took another leap and rented a house based on some savings and the prospect that the extra income I will need will soon come....I based the decision on a gut instinct, pure optimism and the knowledge of myself that I'll make it work...I didn't over think it...the whole process unfolded on its own...and it feels right some how...its a HUGE risk...but it feels right... 

I see looking back that I have made so many risky and unconventional choices in my adult life and I don't regret any of them: running away to get married instead of the traditional route...homeschooling my kids, being the first of my friends to have a child, being a stay at home mom (when that wasn't the lucrative option), my laid back parenting practices, going back to grad school when I did, being a freelancer & piecing together an income, not wanting to be married to a job & creating a life style for pursuing our interests (freedom), etc...being a rebel is actually pretty "normal" for me...I  see that I have taken leaps with so many aspects of my adult life...and dragged my kids, and anyone else who wanted to ride, along with me...I think overall though, its helped my girls to develop into some pretty mature, intelligent, creative and motivated young women...Some where along the way I jumped off the boat and swam for my life in order to LIVE and create a life for my girls that allowed growth and nurturing of our spirits...can I bottle it and sell it? I don't think I can....are there flaws in this plan? Of course! I expect life to be messy though...

 


How to Increase Self-Empowerment: http://energyfanatics.com/2010/01/06/how-to-increase-self-empowerment/

Bursting at the Seams!!!

"Freedom from desire leads to inner peace." ~ Lao Tse

"Whenever you are sincerely pleased, you are nourished." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It's not the tragedies that kill us.  It's the messes." ~ Dorothy Parker

"Let loose of what you can't control. Serenity will be yours." ~ Unknown

As strange as this sounds by the title, this episode of "My Name is Mom" is actually about peace. Imagine that. I am finding this whole blog writing business to be very therapeutic. This venue has given me an outlet to ponder and reflect on some aspects of life, motherhood, and my experiences, which I hope will in turn offer something of some sort to someone else down the road at some point.


So back to peace...lately, well at least for the past several days, I have had this pent up feeling of agitation, aggression, anger & restlessness, combined with a very strong apathetic attitude. It almost reminds me of feeling like a teenager again. I cannot seem to find an outlet for these range of feelings and it seems to me that there needs to be an outlet for them. I haven't been interested in doing many of the things that normally provide that outlet either. I want to feel peace again. Peaceful feelings, contentment, what have you, come and go for everyone, and we all find it in a variety of ways. Some times I find peace in a good laugh, or a good meal (eating one and cooking one), or a good conversation, a good glass of red wine, a nice walk in the woods or sitting by a lake or river, a good writing session, or a nice act of love...you get the point. Through all of this upheaval, I have found at least one of these good things to offer a sense of peace or contentment. Yet lately, none of that has either happened or made a dent when it has happened...and the pressure is building. Today I feel like I want to explode! I wonder when it will happen or how it will transpire...or if I can once again find a sense of peace before the exploding has a chance to happen.

How to find peace? It seems that the girls and I have gotten into a rut here where we live...little changes, little has changed. The weather has been unpleasant, experiences are humdrum, and our tempers have flared as our frustration levels rise. When those feelings have arisen, I have tried to remember Trungpa's words of wisdom when he writes,“Compassion automatically invites you to relate with people, because you no longer regard people as a drain on your energy.” In those moments that I can locate my compassion (and I have a lot of it), and transfer that compassion to someone else, I indeed do find momentary peace. I find peace occasionally when I am curious or learning, and I find it when I am trusting and going with the flow or in the company of like minded people...lately...the flow is dammed up & my energy levels are at their lowest. So, what to do? I want to go out and do some more experiencing of life in the coming days, weeks and months...I want to re-open that well...


I also decided that after joking that I was going to make wallpaper out of my rejection letters from the job hunt, that instead I would make wallpaper out of my vision for good things to come. Doing so gave me a sense of peace as well. Over a period of several days, I lovingly created the future I want, and can reasonably expect to get, in word and image. I found the most beautiful pictures (including pictures of myself and my girls) that I could summon, and I carefully hung them where I can see them well. In the process, I also created a very thorough budget to include the exact amount of income I need to bring in, in order for the girls and I to get the heck out of where we are, and move on in all the good ways. Seeing these things serve as a reminder to me that they are attainable. 


My last post was about patience...I think peace also requires a level of patience...and right now, my level of peace is at about the same level as my patience...very, very low indeed...as always, I am working on it...
   

Waiting...

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience." ~Unknown

“I've continued to recognize the power individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I've learned that the resources we need to turn our dreams into reality are within us, merely waiting for the day when we decide to wake up and claim our birthright.” ~ Anthony Robbins

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth." ~Ayn Rand

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

"The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper." ~Bertrand Russell 

Right now it feels like I am in a perpetual state of waiting...my life feels like it is in a holding pattern right now, and its becoming very suffocating...I was talking about this with a friend just the other day. She and her family were in a similar position several years ago...they lost everything, and had to live with the in-laws for quite some time (a lot longer than I can even imagine or even want to think about). She described her situation as "depressing & restricting" and a whole lot more. It was good to have some confirmation that I wasn't alone with those feelings, because to be honest, I was beginning to feel selfish for my feelings...to find out that they are normal, makes me feel a little better on the one hand...but there is still that nagging anxiousness to get on with things...find the income I need (getting closer), find a home for me and my girls to live in (I am looking at what is out there on a regular basis)...to move on with my life, to really live life, and discover what this chapter means for me...for a long while now, I have just been circling... 

Right now I feel like so much wasted time is spent in WAITING...waiting, tapping my foot, looking at the clock....waiting for the effort I have expended to produce results...waiting for the heavens to open up and good things to happen for me and my girls. Its not as if I have been sitting idly by...i have taken action...I have worked so hard to try to make things better...to move forward and pull us out of this...I have examined my strategy, I have reconfigured my strategy, and still, I cannot figure out where this is coming from...My wheels are spinning...

This struggle reminds me of the old slapstick comedy routine, where the big bully puts his hand on the pip squeaks head as he struggles to punch the bully in the face. I am the pip squeak. Is fighting this battle the real problem? Should I just completely let go? I think I've already been punched in the face in the figurative sense, I certainly don't want to lie down and take it! How does one just "let go" when there is so much riding on my shoulders at the moment? How does one "let go" in a situation like this? Shouldn't there be a level of effort and "fight"? My patience is waning....is that the true lesson in this? Patience? 

I am doing my best to allow this ride to take me some where...I haven't necessarily been resistant to it...I see that it is all happening for a reason. Joseph Campbell was right when he said, "We must let go of the life we have planned, in order to be ready for the life that is waiting for us." I am trying so hard to find the meaning in this, to learn the lessons, to make the most of it...to discover some hidden opportunity or skill or something...a gain of some sort...at the moment though, I am at a loss...something good has got to come of this some where...Right!?



     

Soul Mates?

 
"Man is a knot into which relationships are tied."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry,
 
'Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need."  ~Margaret Mead
 
"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."  ~Emily Kimbrough
 
"There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best."
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox
 
"Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe  with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859
 
"Assumptions are the termites of relationships."  ~Henry Winkler
 
'I like her because she smiles at me and means it."  ~Anonymous

So I've been contemplating the idea of the "soul mate"....what does that really mean? And what does it mean for me in particular...
 
At this point in my life, I still believe in passion, I still believe in that inexplicable capacity we humans have for love as well as romance...however, it seems to me that the point of all of it is to find that person that you find "comfort" with...and yes that comfort can have passion and romance...but essentially when you are in the company of a soul mate, you are both on the same page for so many things. the arrangement is such that you feel "at home" with each other...its like a mutually beneficial pairing, who meet in a beautiful place...and some times that place can be unexpected. I've found over the years that there have been a few of these special people in my life...some for long stretches of time, and there have been others who where in my life briefly. I am not entirely sure that there is ONE soul mate in our lives, but I do think they are few and far between...I honestly feel I've had a few appear in my own life, and I don't think I am an exception.  

Recognizing that connection though might be rare, because I don't know how tuned in many of us are to our true connections to others. Finding that connection, I believe, takes an awareness of who we are, and recognizing that "other" in someone else who speaks to us. For me, it is a "touching", a touching of the spirit maybe, that I and the other person alone sense, but perhaps can't explain...and as I look back, I don't know that I've ever connected with the "conventional" match for me..and its not conscious...yet then again, I'm not an overly conventional girl on all levels...outwardly maybe, but inwardly not necessarily...I have a tendency to follow some gut cord that leads me in all sorts of directions, for better or worse...

Thomas Moore writes in his book Soul Mates,"A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."

Another thought, not all of my soul mate connections have been romantic, some have been purely platonic in nature, but again a rare occurrence and again a comfort or an "at homeness" with the other person. I recall it being an immediate sense of "Hey I know you!". Intimacy has always been easy with those souls I've recognized. 

Experience and maturity have taught me to fore go the doe eyed romanticism of early ideas of love and romance...hard lessons, but lessons nonetheless. My ideas of relationship have grown as I've grown, and that is as it should be. My ideas are also a lot less "conventional" than they have been in the past. What has me thinking about this topic? Some time spent reflecting on all of the people in my life who have made an impact in my experience of life in some way, for better or worse...and that led me to the people that have come and gone or still remain...but particularly those with whom I have had a soul connection of some sort with...there are few true soul mates that have crossed my path, but each time it happens I am again filled with wonder...    

more to come on this...

 





       

Home (part 2)

“He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.” ~ Maya Angelou

“There is a magic in that little world, home; it is a mystic circle that surrounds comforts and virtues never known beyond its hallowed limits” ~ Robert Southey

"Peace - that was the other name for home." ~Kathleen Norris

"Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule." ~Frederick W. Robertson


So I woke this morning yet again realizing that yes, I am not in my own home, and am no closer than I was 5 months ago when this odyssey began. It's been over 6 months since we received the notice on the door that confirmed my suspicions, that the ex was not holding up his end of the child support agreement bargain...culminating in a double whammy after I had lost my job just a few months before that, and was then as now, severely underemployed. As of this writing, neither situation has improved. The upside is that being underemployed would not have allowed me to run a household much at all. Should we still be in the house, we would have a home, but we would be doing without a lot of the basics right now too. The other good thing, is that I have no debt whatsoever, other than my student loans from graduate school. However, as anyone might imagine, it was all traumatic nonetheless to lose both home and the main source of income within months of each other, while still trying to recover from the loss of a spouse. Out of both pride and philosophical abhorrence, I am not on any sort of government assistance at the moment, although I probably should be and know I could be. I am scrounging income where ever I can find it, stretching what I do have, and trying to make it all count, so that I can avoid that if at all possible. But it may have to come at some point. Right now we feel like mooches as it is living how we are right now. Its down right degrading to be in this position at all and I shouldn't be. Yet despite my best efforts, here we are. I now relate even more than I ever did to the clients I worked with when I was a social worker. I understand the feelings of despair and helplessness and hopelessness that go along with a situation like this. I understand the frustration and the guardedness. I am doing my best though to keep it in check and not let it get out of control. Maintaining a level head isn't always easy though...yet I think we have all done our best so far. We contribute what we can, but its never enough in our eyes, we always wish it could be more. We try SO hard to "be good", so we are shocked when we step on toes or are a bother in any way.

The circumstances in which I lost it all stinks to high heaven. At the time though, I still had hope that I would find SOME sort of solid income soon, and that it would "all work out"...and that at the least I would have a clean slate to start fresh with good things waiting around the corner. I actually thought we would just be here a short time, a month or 2 maybe (not 5 and counting), much less 9 months and counting without having replaced my income... I guess I do have a clean slate right? A clean slate with a ton of emotional baggage though. I guess its also true that we really don't learn life's lessons until we are looking at it backwards....so far though all I've learned from this experience is, you can't trust most people, don't take your income or your family for granted, a good home is the best place you can be so don't take it for granted either (and despite how hard you worked for it, it can be taken away from you much easier than you thought), being broke, alone and essentially homeless sucks, things don't always get better no matter how hard you try or how good of a person you are, and I definitely learned who my friends are (I knew who they were all along so that wasn't a big surprise.). Nothing I didn't already know though...

One thing my oldest daughter said today that stands out, is that now she appreciates her family even more because we are the only people who understand her, and won't judge her...we are the people who love her just as she is. A big statement for a teenager. I don't think those feelings would have been shared by my teenage self back in the day, much less expressed so openly. Have I learned anything else? I'll get back to you on that...

I am at a point right now that I am feeling increasingly antsy and agitated. Its beyond anger, its beyond acceptance, or depression, or mourning or any of the other stages of loss...its more of a feeling of being trapped. This feels like a prison sentence and I feel more and more desperate, and yes desperate to get out. Let me be clear, its not to say that I am being treated poorly by my hosts, or that I can't leave if I don't want to, that isn't the case. What it feels like right now that is so imprisoning, is that I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn, that it really isn't getting any better and I am trapped by my circumstances. Every time I make an effort to pick myself up and move forward to improve this situation, there is a wall, a metaphorical wall, that drops down and stops me in my tracks. I turn to try another direction and another wall. Nothing is getting better despite my best and continued efforts. I (and my girls) also feel like an outsider, with no safe space to call home that is my own (our own), that I can provide for my children and myself as "home". I don't have a place where we can "tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts...the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule" as the quote above so aptly captures. We had that just 5 months ago, now we are so vulnerable, so exposed and in such a weak position and there is a tremendous amount of guilt about that. I want to feel like a family again, and living as we do now, the girls and I agree, we don't feel whole like that right now. Its all about having our own space in order to feel "at home".

We spent about a week staying with a friend recently, and my oldest daughter remarked that she didn't exactly feel like a guest there because she is so used to feeling like a guest every day where we live now. She said she is a guest every where now, and there wasn't a distinction any more. Day to day we are invaders in someone else's version of "home", not our own. Despite the best efforts of all of us involved, "here" isn't our "home", the girls and I don't even call it "home", its where we are staying, its someone else's home, its where our stuff is.

Speaking of stuff...I miss my stuff. Everything I own is packed up some where...in a basement next door, in a barn outside, all over here in someone else's house...I feel like we are on an extended camp out in a home...I miss my own "stuff"! My cooking equipment, my office, my dishes, my artwork, my bed, my comfort, my colors, my smells, my things, my music, my routine, my schedule and rhythms, my privacy, my kids' things....these are some of the things that make a home "our home". Its all modest stuff, and some of its not even that great compared to what many have, but it's mine/ours nonetheless...and I miss it all...

For now, we are at the mercy of the kindness of others, and we are at the mercy of their own dysfunction (we all have our own), their lifestyle, their choices along the way, their moods, whims and struggles, their own way of being as a family...not ours. Its normal that it is that way, its just not always comfortable. We have very little say right now, and this has weakened us. We must behave, be polite, be accepting, smile, stay out of the way, take the brunt of others' resentment, act as scapegoat for unspoken things, acquiesce to others' perceptions & judgments, and pretend that all is OK, when it all certainly feels hopeless, miserable, sad, guilty keeps coming up, confining, frustrating and most definitely angry, within us...right now we don't feel like we can show any of those emotions or feelings...right now we all feel we must remain in a grateful state, despite what is thrown at us...is that fair? No, and no life isn't fair...but one can only take this level of continued, persistent and repeated injustice for so long. What should my next steps be? How do I defend and serve myself and my girls through this? Can we come through this unscathed? How do we deal with the ton of guilt we have right now just because we feel like a burden and in the way? Yes my girls have expressed guilt, the same guilt that I feel too. Is it healthy to have so much guilt? No. What issues are the girls going to have once we see ourselves through this?

The stress on all sides is starting to build, and I really don't know how to alleviate it right now...all we know to do is to stay out of the way and "be good" while remaining persistent...this has to turn around for the better soon...

Despite it all, the girls and I still try our best to make the most of each day, and appreciate each other more than ever. For now we are, as one of my daughters said today, trying to make good memories of bad times...

That Which Does Not Kill Me...

“Adversity is a fact of life. It can't be controlled. What we can control is how we react to it.” ~Unknown

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

“Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.” ~Proverb

"Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable." ~ Voltaire

I have been contemplating a famous Nietzsche quote, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."...well, maybe, but that which does not kill us can also make us weaker too. I am thinking of chronic diseases, becoming disabled or...perhaps alone, underemployed and although not technically, but yes in a large sense, homeless, etc...

To find this quote useful to get us through tough times requires both hope and faith. It also requires courage, self confidence and a compassion (or love) of the self (and the other) in some way. This trite aphorism is seen more clearly, only when we can look back to see how far we've come, and how much we've endured. However it doesn't necessarily bring comfort while we are in it, and even less so when the tunnel is still dark. Some might tell me to just accept my situation as what it is and deal with it. That to me in a sense, implies giving up hope for better things. If having hope is useless, then should I continue to look for work? Job hunting, while exhausting and some times very ego crushing, is a hopeful act in and of itself.

Nietzsche also said, 'He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.' Again with the hope...that Nietzsche was a hopeful rascal wasn't he?

Admittedly, some days its very difficult to get out of bed and keep moving, but its the thin wisps of hope and a strong sense of love & duty (or the why), that keep me going most days....I do also realize that if I continue to dwell, and think too much about what all has happened (and in some cases what hasn't happened), that I can't put it all behind me and move forward. I think though, or at least its been my experience, that in actuality, it is far easier not to dwell, and to think less about all of that when things are in motion and moving forward, or at least on the way to improvement, rather than stagnating or getting worse as they have. I think its natural to look back on a better time (with sadness and with regret), when things are so drastically bleak in the present, and no signs of improvement are on the horizon. However, I again, must defer to Viktor Frankl...he writes that those in the concentration camps who did dwell on the past, and could not find any meaning in the present situation they found themselves in, were more likely to succumb to the concentration camp (i.e. giving up, death, depersonalization, cruelty, etc.) .

Finding meaning...that is what this blog is about...finding meaning in this situation that I and my children now find ourselves...The tricky part though, is in not allowing ourselves to become bitter...

I admire my oldest daughter for claiming that she sees this situation we are in as making her stronger....I am glad she can see it that way most days, but again a concern is that if this drags out for too much longer that she (or me, or any of my daughters) will become hardened and bitter. Becoming hardened translates to becoming rigid and less open to the sweetness life can bring. My very sensitive middle daughter has already given me reasons for concern...although I see glimmers of it, she barely resembles the same sunny girl she was just a few years ago...the pictures she takes of herself now are largely dark, and her levels of anxiety, apathy, depression and anger have skyrocketed. Yet when are away from the house and out and about or at another person's home she is for the most part, the bright sunny girl I remember. This has been difficult for her. She needs a lot of personal space, which she has very little of right now, and she is very sensitive to other people's emotions, but the perception of others seems to be, that she is a problem and anti-social because she holes up in her room most of the day and doesn't want to socialize much. My girls and I have been heart broken by all of this...and we will never be the same, but I need to at least prevent it from becoming any worse....in order to do that, I (we) must begin by having hope...

I have often thought of writing a chronological account of what all has happened so far, if nothing else for my own sake, to vomit it all out at once in a cleansing fury and be done with it...but what good would that do? Maybe, like Frankl, who is said to have written Man's Search for Meaning in 9 days, it would be cathartic. Each time I have tried to sit down and write it all out, I become very tired and overwhelmed...the thought of it is painful...reliving it, would it help? I don't know...instead, for now I write about finding meaning in all of this...and having hope that very soon our lives will change for the better, and that in turn, the tone of this blog changes to something more positive...

According to Frankl, there are three psychological reactions experienced by all of the concentration camp inmates to one degree or another: (1) shock during the initial admission phase to the camp, (2) apathy after becoming accustomed to camp existence, in which the inmate values only that which helps himself and his friends survive, and (3) reactions of depersonalization, moral deformity, bitterness, and disillusionment if he survives and is liberated.

Is that going to be us at stage 3 when things do recover, and our lives change for the better in our eyes? (notice I used the word 'when' instead of 'if').


Works to consider:

Man's Search for Meaning: A brief overview of the book

The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

Depressive Realism

Phenomenology of Mood Disorders, Depressive Realism, and Existential: Part II. Models of Depression and Existential Psychotherapy